its been a while..........

It has been a while for me..........

Dealing with life has its ups and downs, and sometimes I have to chill. Currently I am back in school trying to finish up a degree that I was working on 25 years ago. So having to write so many papers.... got me to come back and review my blog postings. I got the bug to get back online.

Just need to find something that I am inspired about................

I love my mother, but........

September 22, 2010

I love my mother. She is funny, sometimes very wise, forgiving and generous. But I have to be honest that there are somethings that I do not want to do with her, see or discuss with her. After years of her not wanting us to come in the bathroom with her, I do not have the desire to see her nude or for her to see me either. Could it be that maybe her own personal modesty has just made me feel this way? Or also having a father who was very strict about us being fully covered in and outside the house, must still has some bearing on how I feel?

Maybe seeing my mother's body in its current state, reminds me of what I might look like when I get to her age. Although my my sister would disregard her requests and barge in on her when she later became an adult, I always respected my mother's privacy in the bedroom and bathroom growing up. Now when my mother tells me to come in, I just do not feel comfortable. I try to wait until she is finished.

However since I have returned home, I get really irked when she intentionally intrudes on me when I am in the bathroom washing up or getting dressed. I have no problem when she has to use the toilet, but she is usually putting on makeup or primping. I just do not want to deal with her looking me over and making comments like she does when she comes in. I already know that I have the varicose veins, stretch marks, and scars from the past. Those are the scars of motherhood, and living life........... But it is getting to the point where I am going to have to remind my mother to respect my privacy again. However I already know her response will be. She is going to say that she can do so because it is her house.

I had outgrew my modesty issues when I left home, had roommates, and after I started having sexual relationships. I must admit that early in my adult sexual life initially I was a bit uptight, but did loosen up and become comfortable through the years. I never had a problem with my daughter seeing me naked, nor did my daughter have issues. She was always curious. She would touch, ask questions and even teased me as she grew up. Some may think that I was wrong, but there have been times my son occasionally saw me in my underwear, especially when I had to drag him out of bed in the mornings when he would not get up to go to school. On “Malcolm In the Middle,” a show that my son loved, the household of boys would also occasionally see their mother in her bra and slip as she frantically ran around the house searching for something.

Even after I abandoned my family's religion, I felt comfortable with my body, but still did not feel the need to scantily dress. I did try it for a while when I was clubbing in my early twenties. However, after dealing with leering guys who could not keep hands off, or guys who just wanted to deal with me on terms with my body only, I became comfortable with a somewhat modest mode of dressing. Every now and then, I might let the boobs peek out a bit, or wear the jeans tight, but that is the extent I am going to be outside the house.

I never was a big fan of lingerie, although I did like the lacy bras and panties before I became older and preferred comfort over style. I didn't constantly wear the lingerie that I received as bridal party gifts because I felt that they were very fragile especially during and after amorous moments. A satiny slipdress that I received as a gift, got torn one night when I turned over in my sleep. I grew to the point of preferring being naked when I went to bed. Washing my grandmother's body now does not bother me. She is getting feeble and needs assistance. I enjoy scrubbing her back because I know that it gives her comfort and one day I will need someone to scrub my back. I am fortunate of having a daughter that did not mind my requests because I always scrubbed her back, and it came natural to her. It just comes to being a problem when dealing with my mother.

We had an intimate relationship before she married my stepfather. That ended when she became his wife, and imposed his rules of modesty. When considering marriage with a boyfriend years ago, his uptight personal view of modesty came in play, and it also influenced my decision not to marry him. As a small child, I do remember my mother dressing and washing in front of me. But now it is not the same, and that is still one part that I can not easily share with my mother. She can now be so critical and does not believe that it is a problem. So being naked is not a problem for me, but being naked around her and seeing my mother naked is something that I do not like to do. One day she will become feeble and need help with bathing and dressing. However right now, I just do not see myself assisting her in that aspect, which is something that may have to be the responsibility of my other siblings. I will have no problem cleaning, cooking, and helping pay the bills for her.

Unfortunately personal intimacy with my mother is the baggage that I am dealing with when it comes to her.....

Looking Forward to Spring.......

Mother Nature has been nice to Detroit this year in comparison to how she treated Philly, DC, and other areas of the east coast. Although the weather folks have been claiming that we got more snow this year than previous ones, I just ain't buying it because I remember those snow storms of 1999, 1979, among others.......... I have been enjoying these days, but I am too cynical to believe that it will last. I saw some daffodil sprouts peaking out of the dirt today. The chill of last weekend let me know to still hang on to my coat. I have experienced too many years where things get all nice and warm and after we get used to the climate, we get smacked with a major snowstorm. Not going to be a sucker this year..............

Post from January 2010

Can't be a Shrinking Violet or Dainty Diva any more..........

Recently I dusted off and pulled out my manifesto of the ideal guy that I wrote back in 2006. I had to clean house this year.......It was for the best...... Having and being a booty call is actually what my past relationships had become. I had to realize that I need to withdraw from that and some folks had to go. I have found not being in a relationship does have its advantages. However, it can be lonely sometimes, but I needed to learn again how to enjoy being with myself. I can go to events alone or with my sister and friends. I need to work on improving myself also. I did make some changes in the manifesto and hope that when I put it out in the universe....... and when I am ready, the right guy will feels those vibes and God will lead him to me.....

“Wanted: A Friend, Lover, and Comrade in my Life Required Qualifications:

A person who understands their place in this world, is trying to better it the best way they can without a Superman complex, but is a person of action, a risk taker in moderation who will step up when necessary. Seeking a gentleman that knows that loving someone is the most riskiest thing they can do, but is brave enough to take the chance to put their fragile heart out there, and be willing to carefully accept another's as a gift. Desiring a guy who is physically and mentally tough, but tender also, like when engaging in pillow and baby talk, and witty enough take and sling verbal barbs with cynical teenagers that believe that they know it all. Wishing for someone who is a good conversationalist, diplomat, shrewd negotiator, has a sense of humor (sometimes wicked), along with a sense of compassion/kindness combined with honor/integrity, a curious seeker of knowledge, a recognizer of wisdom/coupled with a belief/fear in God, and is also a self-sufficient/self-aware/self-secure being that does recognize that they have vulnerabilities, but is mentally strong not to let them diminish them as a person.

Skills: Technology adept, understands how to measure, is manual/power-tool handy, somewhat knows their way around a vehicle, a kitchen, and also knows how to use the controls of the washing machine and dryer. Definitely needs to understand the working and pleasuring of the sensitive parts of a woman's body too. Must be able to read/decipher the minimal and abstract assembly instructions that come with anything made in foreign countries and be able to still put the item together without it coming apart. Other qualifications and skills desired that may be obtained later: Masseuse therapist, Horticulturist, and Road Trip navigator.”

As usual, I offer late movie reviews. I finally got a chance to see the movie “The Miracle of St. Anna,” by Spike Lee. I must say that it was really good and I now want to read the author James McBride's book also. I also realized that the establishment did not give the movie much love, but hey, Spike and crew is accustomed to that. Usually I have an issue with some of Spike's movies, but I had no complaint this time. One thing about Spike I admired, was that he keeps his friends and folks working. For once the reporter, portrayed by Joseph Gordon-Levitt (“Third Rock from the Sun” and “Three Things I Hate About You”) did finally look like he had grown up. That young hottie actually looked like he needed a shave!!!!!!!!!!!!! Back to business.............. It really was great to see black men portrayed as soldiers during WWII, because as the movie hinted, those John Wayne movies seemed to not remember or know that we black folks were there.

The casting was great with Micheal Ealy, Derek Luke, Omar Benson Miller, and Alonzo Lanz. I noticed that almost all of them have been or are now doing TV with the exception of Alonzo Lanz who was so sexy in the movie “This Christmas'” even when he was getting beat down by Regina King. But what intrigued me the most about this movie, was this young actor (Tory Kittles) who played Lt Birdsong. He hated the white senior officer and even spit in his water canteen, reminiscent of that scene in the movie “The Color Purple.” Around the end of the movie, Lt. Birdsong almost got strangled by the Omar Benson Miller's character who was losing his mind. The thing that stuck me most about that actor's voice was that he sounded like a younger version of Denzel Washington. He almost looked like he could have been the son or younger brother of Denzel. I had to wonder if he had throughly studied the movie “A Soldier's Story,” because his brief appearance could not be ignored. I had to watch his scenes several times because the resemblance was so compelling.

My younger brother told me that he enjoyed the movie so much that he went several times with his friends to see it. I also watched “The Reader,” and “Nights at Rodanthe.” Although both movies ended tragically, both were well done too. I must say that Kate Winslet did deserved that Oscar, as I teared up when her character Hannah, hung herself. Although I had hoped during the Academy Awards that Taraji Benson would win for her role in “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” I must give Kate her props for a role well done. I almost did not finish watching that movie, when the young man would not reveal that Hannah was keeping her illiteracy a secret.

Although the revelation of the secret would help her sentencing, her pride, and his fear kept that information buried, and it really did bother me. However after comparing the movie's time setting and now, I was reminded that not everyone is brave. I also doubted that if I was in his position, I would have revealed that as a teenager, I had an affair with a Nazi prison guard either. “Nights at Rodanthe,” had me crying also when the character, Adrianne found out that her new love was dead. I enjoyed seeing Diane Lane and Richard Gere paired up, although seeing them in the movie, “Unfaithful,” was also tragic. Imagining falling in love and then losing the love of your life months later.............? Like many folks, I never want to go through a heart wrenching experience like that, but as the saying goes......."Tis better to have love and lost, than to have never loved at all......”

I have read almost half of Nicholas Sparks' novels and this is one that I have not gotten to yet, but is looking forward to curling up with it. His stuff is captivating and hard to put down, although I found “A Walk to Remember,” movie adaptation better than the novel. My daughter insisted that I watch it, and I was surprised that I enjoyed it. I have still have not seen “The Notebook,” yet and that is the movie I am looking forward to seeing next.

As my ex would say........Here you go again with your conspiracy theories..........

but I have to wonder.......... When I heard that three men died during the October 2009 Detroit Free Press Marathon around the same time, I must admit that I found the situation distressing. My condolences go out to their families. However, I just find it too much of a coincidence that in the first time ever, not just one, but three people had died during that marathon which has been going on for more than twenty years without incident. Now WDIV along with Wayne County is looking into the situation also. I could not help but wonder if someone or something had accidentally or intentionally affected something those runners had drunk, ingested or inhaled. The situation is just too weird and ironic for me. Although the weather was chillier than last year, I don't think that all those guys' health would have been affected that much. I do wonder and hope that a thorough investigation does take place, but I have to wonder if that will happen.

I have always wanted to run a marathon and still plan to do so, although it will may take two years for me to get in shape and be ready. Though there are times my feet tell me otherwise, I hope that God and this old body of mines allows me to bring it back to better running order. One October night, I watched the documentaries on the 2007 and 2008 Ironman Challenge held in Hawaii. Seeing an 78 year-old nun participate in the Ironman really inspired me. She has been doing it for years, and it took a while for her to complete it fully. Just listening to her take on the Ironman, and watching her made me want to do it too. Some of those folks are firemen, college students, military personnel, police officers, teachers, bankers, and farmers. Seeing those plain old regular folks doing that grueling competition made me want to do so also.

But I get the impression that the Ironman is not a cheap sport either. Besides a bike along with other miscellaneous things that I may not be aware of at the present, it requires running shoes, gloves, helmet, a rubber swimming suit, travel/lodging costs, and entry fees. I dream of going to Hawaii and hopefully doing one in my lifetime. However right now, my hope is to be ready for the half marathon at the Detroit Free Press Marathon in 2010. I promised one of my brothers who has ran many marathons that I would run with him in the 2011 Marathon. So if anyone asks me what I need, I already have my answer.............Power tools, Running shoes and a pedometer!

During the Christmas weekend I just chilled. I watched movies and read the book “The Lovely Bones.” The movie version of the book is due to come out next month, and I was curious. When the book first was an Oprah Book Club choice, I was not interested because I just did not want to read about a young girl dealing with her murder at that time. But I must say that Alice Seebolt is a great writer because she really fleshed out her characters. It kept me riveted and I read it almost nonstop. I had to stop to sleep, but I jumped back in the next day. I could tell after reading the book, that the movie version will be ramped up more for dramatic effect.

After seeing some previews on TV, I think that the movie will actually have the father solve the murder and expose the guy, which did not happen in the book. In the book, the family struggles to survive after the murder, the mother takes off for several years, the creepy murderer disappears, stays on the lam until he falls down an incline and breaks his neck, and the family comes back together. In all it was a good read, and Alice Seebolt inspired me to get back to writing again. My hope in the new year is to get back in school, find employment and obtain the funds, supplies, and assistance to fix up my house and my mother's house. I keep praying on it and hope God will let my desires manifest and hopefully help someone else too.

Post from 8/2009

It has been some months since my last entry....

Life has had its ups and downs, but lately things have been on the upside. In May, I found out that my foreclosed house was sold in March for 4K. Initially I was aghast that after HUD paid ! *%$!#! Mortgage Company off for my house, when the owed amount went from 65K to being sold for 4K. But I was so glad that I did claim bankruptcy, although it was done so reluctantly. If I had known during last year how things worked with HUD, I could have saved my money and been able to get my house back this year.

But since the last two years had been rough for me there, I realized that I loved the house but disliked the neighborhood, so I was able to mentally and totally let go then. After I met the young man that was blessed to have the money saved up to buy the house, I was very happy for him. It is his first home. I had met him when I had came to get some of the remaining rose bushes and plants that I had put in. He graciously allowed me to get them. I answered his questions about the house and the neighborhood. The guy was lucky that the house did not get stripped as some others have in the past, like the one next door to it. It is still vacant. The only things that were missing out of my former home were the hot water heater and the shower fixtures.

Three weeks after I had met the new owner of my old house, I was able to get another house. I thank God because I prayed on that house! It is definitely a fixer upper, but it is brick with a fireplace which I had already told myself that my next house would be. However it does needs a lot. But as an acquaintance reminded me, she will need to update her house and it is almost paid off. My house will need a total update before I move in, but it will be well worth it. It needs a furnace, hot water heater, plumbing, electrical update and new windows. I am going to learn how to do some of those things so I will know how to fix them when they need repair or break down. During the summer, friends and family helped me clean it out. I rented a dumpster and we were able to remove rotten and wet clothing and items from the basement. Although I still have not found a full time job yet, I still do some free lance work and teaching. After reading in a June's Sunday newspaper edition that some mortgages companies are making loans under 30k, I was excited for a minute. Realizing it was for those with decent credit and first time home buyers, I knew that I was out of that category immediately. But I will keep searching for grants and opportunities to help me fix up the house.

I am feeling very optimistic and excited about the house even as I struggle to work on it. I had to get rid of a lot of brush growing on both sides of the house. However there are some major landscaping issues with some trees in the back yard. Both trees are on the opposite edges of my backyard and have grown intertwined. I doubt that they are on my property line, but their branches primarily hang over my property. If there was not a sewer problem, like most of these older homes have in this area, those branches would be a nice spot for a hammock or some swings. I had thought of having someone climb up there and cut those intertwined branches down, but as a friend pointed out to me, those limbs are of a major size. So I will have to get a professional to cut them down when I get the sewer replaced. I also need to search for standing water in the backyard or nearby in the alley. The mosquitoes are so prevalent back there right now that I have to wear a jacket, hoodie and sweats to avoid them, or else I can expect at least six or more bites.

Also there is a monster grape vine growing on the northern rear side of the house that I could tell has been there for years. Although it is primarily on my side of the fence, I saw that it originated from the other side of fence which is my neighbor's side. The canes and roots are numerous and remind me of a many armed octopus. I have cut and dug up a lot, but I know that I will have to break down and succumb to using chemicals to kill them. As I looked at the tree on the other side, the vines that have grown on the neighbor's tree are now trying to extend themselves to the leaves at the top of the tree on the other side of my yard!! It was so surreal as I looked at it. I got to cut that vine at the roots because I have seen how invasive it can be. I talked to the next door neighbor about the vine, and he told me that he had been fighting with it for years. He told me that it has damaged the blade of his lawn mower several times. But I could tell from his back yard that he does not do much landscaping besides cutting the grass. And that vine has not been trimmed in years because it is way too much overgrown. The base of it is almost wider than my arm. But with the help of God, this girl is going to get a “You Can Do It” attitude, restore this house and try to get the land in shape. It won't be an easy task, but I definitely feel that I will be able to pull it off.

Happy Easter!

My words of Wisdom for Today.

Being without home Internet service is challenging.
I thank God for the Public Library.

Being unemployed is daunting.
I thank God for Family and Friends for their support.

It has been several difficult months lately. When times are hard, you will definitely find out who is in your corner, and who will make the journey with you.

You will find out what relationships and friendships are superficial, and those that have substance. You will learn that you have will to extend yourself even more, and come out of your comfort zone. You will learn to check your ego and humble yourself even more when necessity requires it.

Hope everyone has an enjoyable and peace holiday.

Checking in, hanging on.............

Checking in, hanging on.............

Although 2008 has been a year of major change and struggle for me, I can not complain. I have a family that cares about me, a bed to sleep in, and food in my belly. Even with the snowballs and issues with surmountable intricacies that life throws at me, I can say definitely say that God has been good.

Here's to all of you.............I hope that you all have a Peaceful Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, and a Safe New Year............

The Men....The Brothers.........I would have enjoyed the 2008 DNC

Obama nailed it, and his televised speech drew about 38 Million viewers, according to the Washington Post. I just hope that McClain's attempt with his out of left field selection of Alaska's Governor Sarah Palin does not Pied Piper in the remaining obstinate Hillary Clinton supporters...............

Two of the finest and razor sharp articulate Black Men out there................

Roland Martin and Hill Harper outside the CNN Grill in Denver this week for the Democratic Convention. Lifted off of Martin's blog on Essence.com.

I have given Hill Harper's book as gifts to the young men in my family. Besides being fine, I believe he is one of the greatest actors of his generation and to me, he really just got started..........

I like watching Martin on CNN when I can. All I can say is: Dynamic Speaker and Excellent writer........... Such an inferno of ideals and energy is he, that I feel at times CNN tries to contain him because they are afraid of public reaction when he verbally whips azz...... I briefly met Roland Martin on the TJMSFV Cruise years ago, but did not know who he was at the time. We were watching some of the Old School Rap acts and chatted for a minute. Later reading a magazine article a month later, I realized that he was the person that I talked to at the time.

As I tell my children, “Mind your manners because you never know who you might Bump into...........”

An Awesome speech....

I am listening to Michelle Obama's speech at the 2008 Democratic Convention in Denver.... on NPR radio-WDET-Detroit. Wish I had a TV, but hearing it was so inspiring and awesome, that I got misty eyed just listening too..................

Aww............Their daughters are so cute! Their cuteness had me so pepped up that the NPR political analysts' insipid critical comments later after her speech didn't bring me down either.........

You Go Girl!!

Maybe the story is true, folks do not read books anymore..............

I wonder if our power issues get to a point where we have rolling blackouts, will people start reading again? I do not know, but I will have my books to keep me amused and occupied. My father loved books and learning. He passed that onto me, my brother who is working on his PHD, my youngest sister, and I am not sure about the rest. My children did love for me to read to them when they were little. My daughter is a vivid reader also. Sometimes I think that by me doing a lot of reading during the pregnancy, the desire was passed while she was in my womb. Different situation for my son. Unfortunately, we had just got cable for the first time while I was pregnant with him, and I was riveted to HGTV, Cinemax, Lifetime Channel, TBS, and the History Channel. I did do some reading, but not as much as I did with her. That made a believer out of me to the belief that a fetus is affected by whatever environment, stimulus, and emotional state that the mother is in..........

Trying to get my son to read is hard, but sometimes he will surprise me, thanks to his sister and his Dad. His Dad has many magazines, almost too many, that the boy will leaf through sometimes. His sister will tell him something about a book she is reading and there are times when his attention is drawn to the point where he will sit and actually read the book. I do give books to my nieces and nephews as gifts and try to encourage the parents to read to them, and make their children read back to them. I don't care what they read, just as long as they understand what they read, and can have an analytical discussion about the subject....

In the last couple of weeks, I had a yard sale, and did some Freecycling, which did get rid of some books. Yes, I am a literary fiend.......but still have loads of books that I do not have room for anymore. So I am going to donate some to the Salvation Army, and sell some of my favorite and expensive ones on Ebay.............

I posted on Ebay selling some of my “racy” stuff. Below is some of my text:

Alas, my loss is your gain...............Some of these books were my introduction to Erotic Lit, and are ideal to those that are curious to know what goes on behind closed doors and in the imagination of others..............

Herotica #4, Edited by Marcy Sheiner, (Paperback)
Featuring the writings of Carol Queen, Eve Mariposa, Bonnie Fergurson, Christine Beatty, Lisa Rothman

Herotica #5, Edited by Marcy Sheiner, (Paperback)
Featuring the writings of Cecilia Tan, Christine Solano, Kelly Conway, and Julia Radner

Fever, Sensual Stories by Woman Writers, Edited by Michelle Slung, (Hardback)
Featuring the writings of Francessca Ross, Susan Musgrave, Phaedra Greenwood, and Lawanda Powell, Nancy Holder

Dark Eros, Black Erotic Writings, Edited by Reginald Martin, P.H.D (Hardback)
Featuring the writings of Jennifer Holley, Cecil Brown, Jerry W. Ward Jr., Frank Lamont Phillips, Kenneth Norfleet, Shange, and Saddi Khali

Touching Fire, Erotic Writings By Women, Edited by Louise Sturtevant, Jan Coverdale Sumrall, and Amber Thorton (Hardback)
Featuring the stories of Deena Metzger,Margaret Atwood,Tess Gallagher, and Zora Neale Hurston.

I figure by selling them as a group, someone might be interested enough to take a chance on them....