I love my mother, but........

September 22, 2010

I love my mother. She is funny, sometimes very wise, forgiving and generous. But I have to be honest that there are somethings that I do not want to do with her, see or discuss with her. After years of her not wanting us to come in the bathroom with her, I do not have the desire to see her nude or for her to see me either. Could it be that maybe her own personal modesty has just made me feel this way? Or also having a father who was very strict about us being fully covered in and outside the house, must still has some bearing on how I feel?

Maybe seeing my mother's body in its current state, reminds me of what I might look like when I get to her age. Although my my sister would disregard her requests and barge in on her when she later became an adult, I always respected my mother's privacy in the bedroom and bathroom growing up. Now when my mother tells me to come in, I just do not feel comfortable. I try to wait until she is finished.

However since I have returned home, I get really irked when she intentionally intrudes on me when I am in the bathroom washing up or getting dressed. I have no problem when she has to use the toilet, but she is usually putting on makeup or primping. I just do not want to deal with her looking me over and making comments like she does when she comes in. I already know that I have the varicose veins, stretch marks, and scars from the past. Those are the scars of motherhood, and living life........... But it is getting to the point where I am going to have to remind my mother to respect my privacy again. However I already know her response will be. She is going to say that she can do so because it is her house.

I had outgrew my modesty issues when I left home, had roommates, and after I started having sexual relationships. I must admit that early in my adult sexual life initially I was a bit uptight, but did loosen up and become comfortable through the years. I never had a problem with my daughter seeing me naked, nor did my daughter have issues. She was always curious. She would touch, ask questions and even teased me as she grew up. Some may think that I was wrong, but there have been times my son occasionally saw me in my underwear, especially when I had to drag him out of bed in the mornings when he would not get up to go to school. On “Malcolm In the Middle,” a show that my son loved, the household of boys would also occasionally see their mother in her bra and slip as she frantically ran around the house searching for something.

Even after I abandoned my family's religion, I felt comfortable with my body, but still did not feel the need to scantily dress. I did try it for a while when I was clubbing in my early twenties. However, after dealing with leering guys who could not keep hands off, or guys who just wanted to deal with me on terms with my body only, I became comfortable with a somewhat modest mode of dressing. Every now and then, I might let the boobs peek out a bit, or wear the jeans tight, but that is the extent I am going to be outside the house.

I never was a big fan of lingerie, although I did like the lacy bras and panties before I became older and preferred comfort over style. I didn't constantly wear the lingerie that I received as bridal party gifts because I felt that they were very fragile especially during and after amorous moments. A satiny slipdress that I received as a gift, got torn one night when I turned over in my sleep. I grew to the point of preferring being naked when I went to bed. Washing my grandmother's body now does not bother me. She is getting feeble and needs assistance. I enjoy scrubbing her back because I know that it gives her comfort and one day I will need someone to scrub my back. I am fortunate of having a daughter that did not mind my requests because I always scrubbed her back, and it came natural to her. It just comes to being a problem when dealing with my mother.

We had an intimate relationship before she married my stepfather. That ended when she became his wife, and imposed his rules of modesty. When considering marriage with a boyfriend years ago, his uptight personal view of modesty came in play, and it also influenced my decision not to marry him. As a small child, I do remember my mother dressing and washing in front of me. But now it is not the same, and that is still one part that I can not easily share with my mother. She can now be so critical and does not believe that it is a problem. So being naked is not a problem for me, but being naked around her and seeing my mother naked is something that I do not like to do. One day she will become feeble and need help with bathing and dressing. However right now, I just do not see myself assisting her in that aspect, which is something that may have to be the responsibility of my other siblings. I will have no problem cleaning, cooking, and helping pay the bills for her.

Unfortunately personal intimacy with my mother is the baggage that I am dealing with when it comes to her.....