Happy Happy Birthday to Me! (Sing it Like the Ren and Stimpy Song!)

Today is my birthday, and no, I am not telling my age, only that I am in my early forties. But if you look at the above picture, you may figure it out. I am going to try to enjoy this day. I had some drama (broken window) during the middle of the week, and it is making me rethink my priorities when it comes to my residence, love life, and future. It seems like every other year I have some drama before my birthday. I think that in future, I will be a hermit around that time to avoid any complications. My guy and I had a disagreement so I doubt that I will hear from him today, but life goes on nonetheless. Yesterday evening, I took the kids out to dinner last to a steak house and we had a good time. My niece and kids gave me some lovely cards as seen below.

I just want a lighthearted, breezy day. I am going to take of some business, clean up a little around the house, and later in the evening I am going to hit the clubs with some of my closest friends and family members. There are a nice pair of pumps waiting that I got last year but never wore that I will be able to dance my butt off in. My birthday wish is just to be a better mother to my kids, finish projects, get back in school and finish this time, eliminate debt, and land a job which pays decent wages and that I enjoy. Basically I will try to enjoy myself today and have some fun and worry about the rest of my life tomorrow.

Foot in mouth as a reflex safety measure?

Recently the guy I am seeing, asked me if I could see myself getting married again. Reluctantly, I had to tell him the truth. I told him that I could not see myself getting married to anyone until my son graduated from high school. Unfortunately the conversation was via the phone, and later I could not but help wonder if I had sabotaged a future marriage proposal. He seem to take it very well, but not being face to face, I definitely missed out on his facial expression and body language. I would love to be married again, but I doubt my guy or my son could live in the same house at this particular time. Both of them have strong personalities, and I can't help but envisioning the two of them clashing the majority of the time. So to keep my peace of mind, I much rather wait until my son is an adult, which he will be in several more years. But if there was a chance that they bonded in the future, and both parties really wanted the union, I might change my mind. For that to happen, it would depend on if both parties really understood that such a union would have to include respect, compassion, compromise, and diplomacy on both of their parts.

Being a Taurus and a child who also grew up with a stepfather, I definitely require a harmonious home/relationship, and my past experience did not have that. I must admit that my marriage had its good times, but stress and growing apart unraveled it, thus rendering the home life very antagonistic. My stepfather, now deceased, ruled with an iron hand during the majority of the marriage, and did not loosen up until illness forced him to do so. In retrospect, I believe that he truly cared for us, but it was hard to see that while growing up. Because of my childhood, I refuse to enter another union until I am positive that the person will be compassionate and loving to my children. Although I feel that my stepfather was the only real father I had, growing up with him was an hard experience. I also believe that he was trying to raise us to be the best we could be, but his autocratic ways could be demoralizing. My siblings and I always thought our cousins had it easier, but they later informed me that it wasn't the case.

Two of my cousins shared their horrific experiences with me recently regarding their stepfather, who forbade their father to visit them at their house. Their stepfather, a much bigger man than their biological father, even attacked their dad without provocation when he first came to visit them. They definitely felt that witnessing the attack, the physical/verbal abuse they recieved while growing up, and their mother's unwillingness to leave the relationship, made it difficult for them to have their own positive, loving and enduring relationships because of that experience. I wanted to suggest counseling, but I doubt that they would seek it right now. Looking again at the studio family portrait they and their siblings took right after the stepfather's funeral, I now really understood why they looked so happy, why their mother was not included, and why there never was any other prior family portraits. My heart went out to them because I knew that in that picture, they were getting some peace, even if it was for a moment.

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Grasping for Self Respect

I have been attempting to drop the extra pounds I have been carrying since the birth of my last child thirteen years ago. As usual after the beginning of the new year, my resolve falls by the wayside around the end of February. I quietly decided to get serious about it this month since I knew that I weighed 250 lbs at the end of last year and have hit 261 lbs recently. Last week I attended a “weight loss hypnosis seminar” to get some help. After experiencing it, I can only say that although the facilitator of these seminars seems to be a nice lady, I think that she has a fantastic scam going on. I estimated that she had about almost seventy or more folks in attendance that she collected a fee from, and some of those folks really weren't that overweight at all.

There were several very obese people there, and later I wondered if her program would work for them, because after listening to her talk softly with the lights down low, our eyes closed, and doing the exercises that she had us do, I knew that if I was going to lose the weight, it would be entirely up to me. The experience was also like the children's story, “The Emperor's New Clothes.” On our way out, I did not hear a bad word spoken from any of the attendees. Maybe it did inspire some of them. But I kept my mouth shut because I figured that many were thinking the same thing that I was, which was that there goes some money down the drain. But it did reinforce to me that I had to be serious about losing weight because there is no magic pill, lotion or spell that was going to do it for me. Financially and emotionally, I have ruled out gastric surgery because after two cesareans and another surgery, the healing process and me just do not do well. I have also done the research, and have come to the conclusion that it is not for me. I will just have to get my azz up early to do the exercises and when the weather gets warmer, I know that I need to regularly get my behind out there and walk. I will also have to journal my daily food intake and watch my portions. But most of all, I will have to just say no when folks are pushing food on me when I am in social settings.

Last year I did have an unexpected inspiration that really is pushing me to lose weight. My mother found an old picture of me and a niece on the old Detroit Boblo Boat taken in 1987. Around that time I think I weighed about 150 lbs. Although my hair was so windblown, I felt that I was very radiant looking in a pair of white linen shorts that I had got for the occasion. Another unexpected push also came from an online link that a friend sent me recently. Aretha Franklin is posing for a picture with the "Fly Jock" Tom Joyner and his wife, "The Black Fitness Queen", Donna Richardson Joyner. Unfortunately looking at the not too flattering picture of Aretha and reading some of the posters' callous comments, did strike a nerve in me. It's ironic that the world is worrying about skinny Whitney although she truly does have a serious problem, when I wonder if we also should be up in arms about Aretha Franklin's weight, even if she is okay with it.


In another touch of irony for me, I found the younger slimmer picture above of Aretha on a postcard when I stopped by a bookstore after attending that particular weight loss seminar. It was like God was saying, “Look Woman! ....I am giving you another sign.....you know what to do!” But right now I think losing weight will be one of the hardest things I have to do. I have had some lean times before and trying to live an abundant life now, reminds me that there some habits that are going to be so hard to break. I love Aretha, have most of her music, but I can not help but to wonder if it will be a matter of time before she develops diabetes if she hasn't already, or has a major stroke or heart attack. My doctor has said the same thing to me, and I am going to have to strongly fight those urges to avoid being handicapped by weight like one of my relatives, who is dealing with those problems now.

Please Just Flash It!

Personally I feel that Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-GA) was wrong in not identifying herself to the guard. She should have let the guy do his job. I have to wonder if she knows on a personal basis anybody who has worked as a security guard. It would have only taken a few minutes for her to dig out the ID and showed it to the man. Unfortunately, it does show an arrogance on her part to think that he should have known who she was. As a person who wears natural styles, I know that White America is still adjusting to those that choose to do so. Any major or drastic change in our hair can be considered political on the job. Even those black folks that think that "Straight is First Rate!" still have a problem with those that chose to wear the natural, wiry, tightly curly or nappy hair texture that the majority of all us Black people are born with. For those that have heard the Kizzy, Kunta, and slave jokes from our own people, we know them very well and despite having strong mental armor, they still do sting.

I can't help but think that the incident has grown out of proportion, with the radio DJs and commentators foaming at the mouth, even to where Neal Boortz referred to Rep. Cynthia McKinney as looking like "a ghetto slut," Although Mr. Boortz issued an apology for his remarks, he still gets away with that remark. I doubt he will not be punished or affected in anyway for his actions. I do admire Rep. Cynthia McKinney for her outspokenness, but I worry that this situation will be a major mark against her to putting her on a slippery slope. I really hope that the situation will not help those that want her out of office.

They love when you are on top, but what about when you are down?

I know that this post is late, but I was finally able to read through many of the various online news reports of Whitney Houston. No matter what happens, I will remember her in the picture on the top. The lower pictures show her as a lost, mentally and spiritually drained woman. As a fan, I love her music but was never able to see her in concert due to funds, babysitting issues, ex and friends not wanting to see her in concert, and etc. Now I wish I had just went saw her perform, even if I had to go by myself. I am not too happy that the story came through the National Enquirer and The Sun, with Bobby Brown's sister Tina being able to benefit from it, but I hope that revelation will make her mother, the lawyers, the record company and those around her (that truly give a damn!) force Whitney to a real rehab. I don't know if they can do so by her being married to Bobby Brown, whose mind is not functioning well either, but I wish they could legally take away her access to money and remove that "Wall of Silence" or better the group of "parasites" from around her. It was also sad to read that the singer Cherelle, whom I met once in Detroit during the late 80s, was also doing drugs with her.


I am speaking from experience with having two female relatives that wore out their lives early with drugs. One died early because her "parasite" boyfriend kept her supplied with drugs even when her body was slowly shutting down and she was receiving medical care. Throughout the years, we tried many things, but she chose drugs over everything, even her own children. I do believe that she never believed that she was worthy of having a better life. The other relative's immediate family was able to finally force her into rehab one last time, and finally she understood what her drug use was doing to her. She was able to get cleaned up and stay clean for fifteen or more years. Although she lived longer than the first mentioned relative, she died of cancer last month. It was good to see that she was able to remarry and live a happy life during her last years.


I just hope that once her family and friends get Whitney Houston to a true rehab that really helps her to clean up, she will see with renewed eyes what her addiction is doing to her and her child. Maybe later when she thinking logically and clearly, she will be able to clean house. And yes, I firmly believe that should include Bobby Brown too, if he is or was also contributing to her access to drugs. I don't care how much you love a person, if their presence in your life was not the support that you really need, then the ties need to be cut. I truly believe that a person's presence around a person when they did drugs or aided in crime/or anything not positive, will just lead them back down that road again when times get weary and tight.