Tight rope walking while in a mellow mood............

I have been chilling from blogging for a while due to job hunting, other interests and health issues. Not working and not having health insurance is scary for me right now. I need to see a doctor for some issues and do not have the money to pay to see my own doctor and the only option I know of is to go to emergency and incur a major bill or go to the public health department when the doors first open to get health care. I have been down there twenty years ago, and found it to be frustrating. My sister advised me to drop my pride and go ahead and apply for public assistance so I could get something.

Part of me does not want to because I am getting child support and do not want to be hassled by the ex if he finds out. As grateful as I am for his child support which is keeping me afloat, I do know that the child support can only do it for so long. I have been actively job seeking and putting in applications, but it is tight out there. Lucky for an acquaintance of mine, she recently was hired by Ford, but she and her husband are working mandatory twelve hour days, and they barely see their kids who are really being cared for by their relatives. My younger brother suggested I try working security like he is now. I flinched at the thought of working security, but if it can pay the mortgage and utilities, who am I to be snobby about it?

I probably should have not did it, but I teased the kids that if things get any tighter, we may have to move in with their maternal grandmother, or back in with their Dad. Going back to Dad's house appeals more to them because they would still be in the same schools. But living with my Mom puts a shudder through them. Sharing space with their uncles does not sit well with them and I could understand. One of my brothers is a loose cannon, and he tries to move back home every now and then, when the rule has already been established by my other brothers with my mother that particular son can not live there. But my mother feels sorry for that particular brother and sometimes lets him stay for a night. But before they know it, his stuff is back in the house, and he is trying to throw his weight around. I had to remind my mother last year that she will alienate the rest of her reliable sons, if she keeps breaking their agreement, but she just doesn't seem to take things seriously. I hope to God that he gives me the funds or a job that will let me pay my bills. I do not want to go back there because I know that there would be trouble if that brother and I even try to occupy the same space.

I must give my children credit though. They are keeping me optimistic, and are even thinking of ways to make money. My daughter is doing some braiding on and off, and my son walks a dog for a neighbor. She and my son made up some flyers advertising their leaf raking services. They distributed them in the neighborhood this weekend and I hope that they drum up some business for themselves. I laid down some rules and informed them that they had to put a percentage of the earned funds in their bank accounts. I just hope that things work out for them and my financial situation improves so that my kids will not have to worry.

Meanwhile on the romantic front, the High School crush and I finally met up this past week after talking via phone for more than two months. My former guy must have felt something, because he has rung me up several times also during the past week. I wish my financial-employment mojo was working as well as my attraction/sexual vibes were working last week, because I could have been rolling in dough. However, I know to leave things up to God. High School crush and I hung out on the island where we last hung out together more than twenty years ago. He had verbally painted an image of a worn out looking fellow, but aftering seeing him, he had not changed that much to me. He had put on some weight, but did not look that bad, only a bit older and tired, which he was. Also he seemed rather shy at first when meeting me and I was also feeling bashful also. We stopped at the foundation and walked around it for while as we talked.

The weather was nice and the place was peaceful. His demeanor was a bit reserved in person, whereas he is lively on the phone. As we talked, he did loosen up a bit, showing some of his usual humor. When we finally went to lunch, we talked about so many things, and I enjoyed myself. I was surprised that he stayed a gentleman throughout the time we hung out, and kept his hands to himself. Right now, it seems that my size has not affected his ardor at all. He asked me if I could see myself seeing him again, and I told him yes. But time will tell if he is really into me, or will it just a fulfillment of a high school fantasy for him? I hope not because I am feeling giddy as a high school girl, and I am not ready for this glow to wear off........but I know..............I know.........I must keep myself grounded in reality..........